Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
