I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
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This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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