shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I need to align my fucking chakras
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
