Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't trust your balls anymore.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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