I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
