I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
