I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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