Plan B is the new Plan A
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Success! We fucked roommates!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
