So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
