we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
