i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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