Soap is not a condiment
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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