watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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