Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
