I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
