I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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