wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
