When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
