were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dick very happy bro
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
