ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
