then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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