apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
