Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He? As in you personified your dick?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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