I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
