I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i am craving dick and cupcakes
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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