he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
