i just wanna soil my oats bro
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
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Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
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Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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