i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
