Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
