I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
