So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
