She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
