Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
