She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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