i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
