you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
