i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
