I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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