hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
