if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize