the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
