I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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