my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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