she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
