I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
