burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
