My Higher Power is John Stamos
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Princesses don't give blow jobs
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize