So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
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But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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