I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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