Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
