hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
