Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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