watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
