i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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